Kink/BDSM dating sites

May 20, 2008 at 12:21 pm 3 comments

“Omnivore,” you ask, “where do you find all these kinky people to hurt and order around and do other perverted things with?”

I laugh carelessly, lean back in my smoking jacket, and say, “Why, the Internets, of course!”

Internet dating has been good to me. Craigslist played an instrumental part in my reclamation of my sexuality at the end of a five-year dry marriage — and based on the other posts I’ve seen on Best of Craigslist, I’m not alone in that regard.

Craigslist is, alas, notoriously unreliable for anything other than casual sexual encounters (men really do seem to like to fuck — a lot — and will make repeated attempts to get laid even against the worst sort of odds). About a year ago, I had good luck finding serious candidates for houseboys on Craigslist as well. There was plenty of dross to sort through, of course. But for every 20 inappropriate responses, I’d hear from at least two or three sincere applicants. More recently, though, my Craigslist posts have been flagged off within moments of appearing. Given that they never violated the Craigslist Terms of Service (I know — I read them) and given that M4W posts of the same type remain undisturbed, I can’t help but feel like an oppressed minority. Perhaps it was the housework piece that pissed people off. Or perhaps folks just couldn’t believe that there are people out there who get off on domestic servitude — men, specifically, who want a woman to order them around and then beat them afterward. I know the technology behind the Craigslist flagging system, and it’s possible for one very determined person to flag a post. Whatever the reason, Craigslist is no longer a viable option for me.

Ace introduced me to two websites that appear to have been around for a long time: Collarme.com and Bondage.com. Both of them claim to be the biggest online BDSM community in the Universe or something. The Collarme site is painful to look at, but I was incredibly flattered at the number of responses I got when I first put up my profile. Ace told me it was primarily creepy guys and prodoms, and now that I’ve been on there for about five months, I’m afraid I’m no longer fresh meat. None of the submissive men who initially contacted me panned out into actual meetings, but frankly I was overwhelmed by the initial number of responses. At the time I signed up, I also had two houseboys and was enjoying myself thoroughly with Ace.

Bondage.com’s design is slicker, but I’m really not too thrilled with the “pay extra to see naked pictures of people” thing. I know websites have to make money, but I get really squicked by a trend I see a lot in the kink community: namely, perverting genuine female desire into a money-making opportunity. Bitchy Jones does a good job of articulating why commodifying female desire hurts EVERY kinkster (see #3 here). Axe also talks about it from the male sub side. So I’m not going to spend more time on that point right now, especially since I’m really here to talk about finding kinksters through the Internets.

What I do want to say is that I was delighted to discover these websites but disappointed at actual meeting-people results. I’ve had MUCH better luck with OKCupid.com. OKCupid is not a kink site. It’s just one of the coolest online dating sites I’ve ever visited. Aside from all the fun quizes and the fact that — at least when I was using it a lot back in January/February/March of 2008 — there are lots of like-minded, interesting people there, it also has something I came to rely on a great deal: the kink badge. The site was created by a bunch of smartypants from Harvard (which doesn’t have quite the cachet as a bunch of smartypants from MIT). As a result, it’s got a fun design, that light-hearted insouciance of the early Intarwebs (in the late 90s, people were more interested in making cool websites and less in monetizing them), and complex algorithms that take your answers to various questions, compare them to other people on the site, and award you little personality badges based on the result. You have to take them with a grain of salt, but overall I’ve found that if someone has the kinky badge on their profile, chances are better that we’ll be sexually compatible. I met Ace, Bran, and Chiquitita on that site.

The other thing I really like about OKC is that people are less deterministic about their dating goals than they are on other websites. Most dating sites seem to fall into one of two categories: “let’s fuck and never talk to each other again,” or “let’s get married and have babies/a house/a dog.” The majority of dating sites also have an annoying habit of requiring you to specify that you are looking for EITHER a man OR a woman. OKC lets you choose “either.” And you can guess what the Omnivore is selecting.

More recently, Axe introduced me to Fetlife.com. It’s a very, very new website put together by some folks from Montreal. I recently discovered that a good number of people on my blogroll are there, and got one promising message from someone interested in becoming my houseboy. So we’ll see.

Entry filed under: being a bad bisexual, bisexuality, femdom, houseboys, kink, men who clean my house make me hot, sluts have more fun. Tags: , , , , , , , .

Finally, some smut for the femdoms by the femdoms Fun with chains

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. axe  |  May 21, 2008 at 12:53 am

    Glad Fetlife is working for you!
    It’s mostly a sausage-fest so I can see why you’d like it:)

    I’ve been on OKC for a while now, maybe I’m not using the search terms correctly.

    How do you search and find someone on OKC?

  • 2. omnivoresdilemma  |  May 21, 2008 at 11:52 am

    A sausage-fest? Really? I think that’s just the kink scene in general. Not that I’m averse to playing with girls. It’s just not where I’m at right now.

    In terms of OKC, I was on it for like three years before I got any decent hits. Although there were plenty of intrigueing people (especially women!) down in NYC. I just set the usual search criteria, browsed through them, and looked for the kinky badge.

    I’ve seen your profile, and I know you’re all discouraged and stuff, but it really makes a difference how much effort you put into it. I also recommend answering as many of the “improve matches” questions as possible.

    You and I both know it’s hard to find someone when you REALLY REALLY want to meet someone. It really is how the stars align, I think. I took a break from dating between Thanksgiving and New Year’s of last year, and it helped me get my head on right. Then things just started happening.

  • 3. axe  |  May 21, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    Thanks.

    Maybe another break would be good.

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