100 sexxay things about Omnivore

Inspired by Wendy Blackheart at Heart Full of Black, I give you 100 things about me, the sex list (with some love and truth and beauty thrown in for good measure).

1. I took my own virginity.
2. No, really. With a small, pink, very ladylike bottle of roll-on deodorant. I broke my hymen, and that hurt a bit, and then I pushed the bottle in farther and it felt good. And then I stopped. Because I was afraid.
3. This was after an aborted attempt to “give” my virginity to a boy in the back seat of a car.
4. While he was pulling down my pants, I asked him if he had a condom. “No,” he said, rising up to kiss me, “but you don’t want a piece of plastic in you the first time, do you?”
5. He couldn’t penetrate my little 13-year-old cunt.
6. There was no foreplay, which probably didn’t help.
7. We broke up soon afterward.
8. I was 14 years old and a freshman in high school the first time I had sexual intercourse.
9. I was 19 years old before I had sex without a condom.
10. Twice I went to the same anonymous HIV-testing clinic with a man so we could fuck without a condom.
11. I think it’s kind of romantic to go get STD screenings together.
12. I paid attention during sex ed. Back then, they actually told you about the various forms of birth control and how to use them.
13. According to the current abstinence-only curricula taught in public schools across the country, I am a piece of scotch tape that has been stuck to so many arms that it can no longer “bond” properly.
14. I’d rather be a slut than a whore.
15. I reclaimed the word “dyke” early on.
16. I didn’t reclaim the word “slut” until I was over 30.
17. I didn’t reclaim the word “bitch” until this year.
18. I fell in love with a little red-haired girl when I was in the first grade.
19. I fell in love with a little brown-haired boy when I was in the second grade.
20. I told my fourth-grade teacher that I loved my best friend so much that if I could I would marry her. Her response shamed me deep into the closet for a decade.
21. When I was a toddler, I remember discovering the interesting folds of my vagina while sitting in the living room watching TV. “That’s a private place to touch,” said my mother. “You should only touch that when you’re in the bath or in bed alone at night.”
22. I didn’t have a real orgasm until I was in college.
23. The boy who gave it to me was a black boy with a moustache. We were never really dating.
24. He did it by going down on me with enthusiasm, and by doing it longer than anyone had done it before.
25. The first time I ejaculated was with a small, hard plastic vibrator. I was about 19 years old.
26. I had to throw away that futon less than a year later because it started to smell really funky.
27. My boyfriend said “Are you sure it’s not pee?” the first time I came on his face.
28. Later, I asked my girlfriend what it tasted like and she replied, “your hot, salty cum.”
29. The first woman I fell in love with was a summer exchange student from a local community college.
30. She gave me a tiny hickey, and when my mother asked me who had given it to me, I told her.
31. My mother’s initial response was “Ew”.
32. Later, my mother told me she loved me no matter who I was or who I was with. She bought me combat boots and a toolbox.
33. It took me ten more years to realize I didn’t have to be butch to be a dyke.
34. I didn’t come to terms with my bisexuality until five years after I came out of the closet.
35. I used to call myself a traitor to my own kind.
36. I am very, very good at eating pussy.
37. I am very, very good at sucking cock.
38. I can deep throat, but only if I’m really into the guy.
39. Finger-fucking gives me carpal tunnel syndrome.
40. I like 69ing, but I’d rather be on top.
41. My favorite way to come is on my back, with intense stimulation on my clit.
42. After I turned 30, I started having vaginal orgasms regularly and repeatedly.
43. When I come during PIV sex, my cunt has been known to clench so hard it pushes my lover’s cock right out.
44. I have been known to ejaculate from PIV sex.
45. I have been known to ejaculate from a spanking.
46. I think cybersex is cheating.
47. I don’t think I’m really polyamorous, but I like to pretend when I’m single.
48. I once spent seven years in a lesbian marriage (the old-school, illegal kind) that suffered from serious Lesbian Bed Death.
49. I have cheated on more than one partner.
50. The part of cheating I hate the most (in myself and in others) is the dishonesty.
51. I like to have sex at least three times a week.
52. I can go for extended periods of time without any kind of sexual contact, without missing it.
53. Twice after long-term relationships I’ve used Craigslist to find and fuck a good assortment of lonely, horny men.
54. Once I got an email from the girlfriend of a man I’d slept with once. It turned out that he had lied to me about being single. I apologized to her and confirmed that he and I had slept together.
55. I have never had sex with a transgendered person.
56. I find butch women very attractive, I’ve had sex with many “gay” men, but men in drag do nothing for me.
57. I see transgendered people as my siblings in gender rebellion.
58. I’ve fucked women with my “psychic cock” and made them come.
59. I’ve come while fucking women with my psychic cock.
60. All of my genderfuck is behavioral. On the outside, I’m very clearly a girl.
61. I’ve taken people to task for using the word “queer” as a pejorative.
62. I love the word “queer” because it includes all sorts of sexual and gender minorities.
63. I have had lovers of many different races and nationalities.
64. I lost count of the number of lovers I’ve been with sometime in my early 20s.
65. I used to feel deeply ashamed for having so many sex partners.
66. I have been deeply in love somewhere between four and six times in my life.
67. I have never consistently enjoyed anal sex as much as I have with Bran.
68. I didn’t come to terms with my BDSM tendencies until January 2008.
69. The first time I heard about fisting was when Susie Bright came to speak at my college in the early 90s.
70. Less than a month later, my tall, rangy boyfriend with the really large hands managed to fit all five fingers inside me.
71. Cunnilingus is my favorite thing in the whole world.
72. Sexual intercourse is my favorite thing in the whole world.
73. Rubbing my face in a woman’s wet, juicy pussy is my favorite thing in the whole world.
74. Group sex is my favorite thing in the whole world.
75. The first time I made out with more than one boy was when I was 15 years old.
76. My first threesome was with two men, as a freshman in college.
77. FFM is my favorite threesome combination.
78. Bran and I have fantasized about bringing a submissive woman to bed with us.
79. I fall in love very easily.
80. I’ve often confused lust for love.
81. I’ve had sex in the back of a car on Highway One in Northern California, on the beach outside of Santa Cruz, in a hotel room with lots of other people having sex around me, on the kitchen floor, on a golf course, while driving, and probably lots of other places I can’t remember.
82. I find double-penetration (one in the cock, one in the pussy) fascinating.
83. I have never been fucked in the ass and the pussy at the same time by two actual men with actual penii.
84. I have experienced double penetration twice with a man and a handy dildo, and each time it was AWESOME.
85. Once, when I was walking by some neighbors, I heard them repeating something I’d shouted rather loudly the night before.
86. The thing I’d shouted was, “Oh, baby, fuck me in the ASS!”
87. The windows had been open.
88. I was embarassed.
89. I’ve let a butch woman get away with emotional and physical abuse I would never have tolerated from a man.
90. I attended a support group at a local women’s shelter to get the moral support I needed to get out of that relationship.
91. I thought I was different than all the other women in the room because I was gay and they were straight, but our stories ended up being exactly the same.
92. On two separate occasions I have violently pushed my female lovers away from me.
93. I used to think that men were made of iron, that I could say all sorts of mean things to them and they wouldn’t feel it.
94. The only time I’ve ever hit a man was during a scene.
95. I love to wrestle and win.
96. I love to wrestle and lose.
97. I love to dominate my lovers.
98. With Ace, I discovered exactly how sexy it is to hurt someone.
99. It’s only sexy if they’re into it too.
100. I like to say I love power exchange more than sadomasochism, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true.

Orgasm control makes the heart grow fonder

We lay in the heat, the fan whirring cooler air from the evening into the room. I turned off the light and we talked, in the dark, about our families. It was too hot to touch much. It was also late, much later than we’d planned.

Eventually I leaned over and draped my arm across his side, my hand resting right under his belly. I stroked him idly through his boxer shorts, felt him harden in response. He began to undulate his hips and to moan. I slipped my hands under the waistband of his shorts to feel the smooth skin of him, hard now, completely hard. My hand was a bit too dry to properly run it up and down the length of him. I ran my tongue down my palm and returned it to its little nest of fabric and flesh and hair and hotness.

In unison I pulled away and he rolled onto his back, began to work himself, pulling up and down from the top, cupping his head in his palm. His breathing quickened.

“You can’t come,” I said.

“But…” he was plaintive. “But I want to come!”

“You can’t,” I said.

“Please,” he said. “Please let me come.”

“No. You can’t come until Saturday.”

And I pulled his hand away and began to stroke him again.

“Please, I want to come,” he said, begging me, and each time I said, No. No. No. Chanting it while I touched him, while I pulled down his shorts and just kissed the shaft of his cock with my lips, rubbing my cheek and my lips against him — soft skin, hard cock.

“Please.”

“No.”

And I flicked my tongue just beneath his frenulum, kissed him again with closed lips.

Please. No. Please. No. Please. No. Kissing him and teasing him and taunting him, now with him sprawled beneath me and beginning to not be able to speak.

I licked the place where his thigh met his belly, on either side of his cock, and his moans reached a new timbre. Holding his hands to either side, I licked and licked, tasting the salt on his skin, tracing the curve of the underside of his belly, dipping down again to that nexus of him, top and bottom, side and side, nexus genesis paradise. And ran my tongue up his side, to his right nipple, the first place I touched him and made him gasp. He shied away when he felt my tongue flick across it.

“No,” he gasped. “No, I don’t want you to hurt me.”

“I won’t hurt you,” I said. “I’ll be gentle with you tonight.”

“You get so excited,” he said, but I held him down and worked my tongue back and forth over his nipple until he was writhing and moaning, and I was gentle, I didn’t bite once.

“See?” I said.

And did it with his other nipple, stroking his belly and his cock, avoiding his ticklish sides, then licked my way up his chest and his neck and to his ear, where he gasped and moaned in a whole new way when I flicked the tip of my tongue against the little hairs that grow just outside his ear canal.

And I kissed him. Reared up over him in the dark, gently pinned his questing hands up above his head and worked my way down again.

He was bucking his hips. “Hold still,” I said. “Hold still or I’ll stop.” And I opened my mouth then to take all of him in — down to the very back of the throat. The angle was wrong. I couldn’t fit him in as far as I wanted, or maybe he was just extra hard. I swallowed him as far as I could, backed off again, licked him up and down, closed my mouth over the tip and sucked… He kept wanting to buck his hips, but I wouldn’t let him. I pushed him down with my hands and told him, again and again, to keep still. He trembled with the effort not to move.

He was still begging to come, and I was still denying him. “You can do it,” I said. “C’mon. Be a good boy. You’ve done it before.”

“I want to fuck!” he said. “I want to come.”

But I wouldn’t let him.

“Say it. Promise me,” I said, hovering over his face. He pursed his lips shut and screwed up his eyes. “Say it. Say ‘I promise not to come until Saturday.’”

“But…” he started.

“Say it!” I slapped his cheek lightly then, in time to my voice. “Say ‘I promise not to come.’”

“I promise…” he said, and stopped.

I had to drag it out of him, but he promised. And I sent him home still frustrated.

More

“I’m curious about which part of this you’re going to write about on your blog,” said Bran the other night as he was putting on his clothes.

It’s true that writing always involves selective description. Any art form, really, involves selective description. The photograph never looks as glorious as the sunset. The drawing never quite captures the sparkle of the glass itself. The painting never captures the exact line of the leaf, or curve of the land. Or curve of the hip.

And there’s no way I could capture the lovely, juicy, reassuring quality of that night. Wednesday night, yes, Wednesday, because on Tuesday, our regular night, I was still hip-deep in work. Which I won’t talk about here because, frankly, once the suit comes off, who cares?

And if I tried to capture everything we did, I think I’d just end up boring you. Who wants a laundry list of places we went or positions we tried? And who wants more lists anyway? That little trick is getting old and just seems to encourage bad, lazy writing.

This is turning into a post about writing instead of a post about what Bran and I did on Wednesday. And who wants to read that?

I know you’d rather hear about him disappearing while I was busy shoving a pill down my cat’s unwilling little throat. “I don’t want to see this,” he said. And left the room. My flat isn’t THAT big, so there were only a few other places he could have been. Once kitty’s dignity had been shredded, I went in search of him.

And found him in my messy bedroom (I did mention the hip-deep-in-work thing, and if you’re not a new viewer you’ll know I’m currently houseboyless), taking off the last of his clothes. Bran likes to get naked quickly. I like him naked, of course, but I do enjoy taking his clothes off myself. I love that tattoo in the center of his back. You’d never think of him as a tattoo kind of person, but there are lots of things you’d never think he’d be into or do. And does.

Like letting me hurt him.

As we spend more time together, as this evolves from a playmate sort of thing into something else, I find myself getting caught in the old gender role/relationship trap. Of wanting to give away my power. It’s partly gender-based, but I’ve done the same thing with women. Wednesday night, I was selfish. I had to force myself to be selfish. He was there, on all fours, on the bed (which is about one rambunctious fuck away from complete structural failure), and I was… what was I doing? There were my sharp little nails involved. I used my belt. And my hands. And I was careful, careful not to go too hard, at first or even after, because I know for him it’s not about the pain itself, it’s about doing something that he knows turns me on.

It’s so difficult to admit it, but yes, it turns me on.

“Do you like it when I hurt you?” I asked, after the fact, long after.

“Not as much as you like it,” he replied.

And there it is right there. So I can’t take pleasure in it the same way as I did with Ace, or would with a true pain slut — slut in the sense of someone who derives sexual pleasure from the noun or verb preceding. Slut. A word I’ve been meaning to write about. A word that needs to be reclaimed, like “bitch” or “dyke” or “cunt.” A powerful word, a word describing women’s power in particular, women’s power that has come to be shamed and labeled dangerous. Just imagine what would happen if every woman in the world owned her sluttiness? Society as we know it would end!

The word “sadist,” that’s a word I can’t say needs reclaiming. God, how can you ever want to take pride in hurting someone else? How can I say that I enjoy hurting other people? It’s more complicated than that, and it’s not. Yes, consensuality, yes, yes. But oh, the pain. The lovely pain and his reaction to it.

And I know myself the power and the pleasure and the all-mixed-up of bottoming, of taking pain for someone else. There was that time I actually came when he spanked me. Not just titillation but full-on orgasm. The kind you can’t mistake because there’s a mess and the sheets are soaked and my bedroom has that close, animal smell to it for days afterward. I took smacks harder than I ever might have. Sure, I used the safewords at first, asked him to slow down in a way that still allowed him to be in control, but then I took the hard smacks, took them for him. Took them for myself. To prove I was strong.

And male suffering, yes, it’s strong. Sexy. Beautiful. Bran is tough, has endurance and strength. When we wrestle, I know he’s careful with me, could probably always beat me — has more formal training — but I’m strong too, very strong, and happy to have found someone as strong as me. Someone who can put up a fight, can win.

And still gets on his back because I tell him to. Because I put the command in my voice. Still tells me when I ask him why I should suck his cock, knowing he’s straining for the feel of my mouth on him, “because it’s yours.”

Mine and not mine.

Another night, after I’d scratched him with my nails and bit him and maybe smacked him around a bit, I was on my back with him inside me, one of my favorite places to be, and he asked me (again), “You like hurting me?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know,” I said.

“Oh. You’re confused?” he said, and pinned my wrists to the bed and fucked me.

Yes. I’m often confused about that part of my sexuality. And about switching. Switching is confusing. But why should I be ashamed about being confused? Con-fused. Things that used to be separate, now put together.

I wasn’t confused on Wednesday night. Then, Bran was mine. Mine to order around. Mine to collar. Mine to send back down to my crotch for more cunnilingus, because I wasn’t done, because I wanted more. I’m often afraid to show him just how much more I want. But on Wednesday I let him see how powerful my orgasms can be — I know it’s not the first time he’s seen it, but the the old fear still comes back. I was afraid of Kristen’s orgasms sometimes, overwhelmed by them, and by Pura’s too. I still remember Kristen saying to me “I want more,” and wondering whether I’d ever be able to fill that hole of want. Why shouldn’t he be afraid of mine? The way I clamped around him and rode his hands and writhed and moaned and screamed. Who wouldn’t be afraid of that? Overwhelmed by it?

Who wouldn’t be afraid of anything as deep and powerful and neverending as sex?

There’s always more to want, more to try.

More.